Friday Office Funnies

Bling the dog

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This one is great!

A funny office game to play when you’re…bored.

Sick Leave Policy

TO: ALL CORPORATE EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

Sickness:
No excuse…We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

An Operation:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

Death::
Other than your own. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

Also:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,
The Management

A SICK GUY
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:“I’m sorry, but I’ll not be able to come in today as I’m too sick.”

On hearing this, his annoyed boss could barely conceal his anger and demanded: “Okay, truthfully, just how sick are you?”

“Well” the employee said with a long sigh, “I’m in bed with my sister!”

THE PACKAGE
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”<

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it”.

12 SIGNS THAT YOU’VE GROWN UP (Part 1)
Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Next Friday: Part Two!

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