The following was posted on the McSweeney’s website, composed by Kristina Loew. We had to reprint it for your Friday giggle:
SEEKING ENTRY-LEVEL NEWS PRODUCTION SPECIALIST
Local news channel looking for a dedicated multi-tasker to work in our news division. This is a great opportunity to gain experience in a fast-paced news environment. Only serious candidates with experience should apply.
You should be exceptional, a well-organized self-starter with superior skills in ALL aspects of news production.
Ideal candidate will oversee our entire slate of daily news programming including, but not limited to, our seven-hour morning show, the Live at Noon broadcast and all eighteen evening newscasts.
Applicant will also be expected to manage all news breaks and all breaking news coverage, as well as the online site and the Accounts Payable department. Accountants need to have a strong knowledge of math and not be total idiots who can’t tell what the area of a circle is.
Candidate will also be responsible for the promotion and marketing of ALL news programming for the channel.
Flexibility and willingness to work under pressure in a chaotic news environment with ever-changing responsibilities and deadlines a MUST.
Must be available at least 80 hours a week and able to work most weekends and all major holidays.
This is a non-paying internship.
Great opportunity to get your foot in the door and gain news experience.
• A minimum of ten years experience.
• At least seven years working on a nationally televised news or reality program in a senior position.
• At least three years working at a print publication. Celebrity weekly preferred, but not required. Senior writing position at the New York Times and/or Us Weekly, a plus.
• Strong background in entertainment, marketing AND accounting preferred. Background in news, a plus.
• Extensive experience researching compelling stories, prepping anchors and booking news guests.
• Candidate should feel comfortable handling celebrity talent, even if they are throwing things and threaten to kill you.
• Will also expected to manage office and order all office supplies.
• Correct use of Synonyms when speaking with customers.
• Ideal candidate MUST have extensive contacts in media, politics AND entertainment. Your Rolodex should include major industry players.
• You MUST have strong ability to write, direct, and edit all news segments. Will be expected to produce riveting news pieces consistent with the voice of the channel.
• Light filing.
• Intern must possess superior conceptual and editorial skills. Since ALL ideas will come from you be prepared to pitch and develop EVERY segment for EVERY broadcast.
• MUST be able to type at least 350 WPM. You will be tested!
• You will be expected to transcribe ALL raw news footage sent in from our affiliates.
• HTML experience REQUIRED. Candidate will be expected to write and post eight-to-ten 2000 word articles per day for our online site, including weekends and ALL major holidays.
• Candidate should be an expert in ALL forms of social media and have a MINIMUM of 50,000 Twitter followers.
• Extensive experience as a cameraperson a MUST. At least four years on a reality show considered a plus. Three years at an Arabic news channel is REQUIRED.
• Intern MUST have own camera equipment. With bonded insurance. Must also have lighting package and lavelier microphones for field shoots.
• Ideal candidate should also be able impress executives with his/her ability to expertly handle company’s espresso machine.
• Exceptional understanding of new production, post-production and graphic software including Avid, Final Cut, Photoshop, After Effects and software that is still in it’s developmental stages.
• Please do not apply unless you have ALL pertinent software.
• Driver’s License preferred.
• CDL Commercial truck license a MUST. You will be required to have your own commercial truck for location shoots. You may also rent a commercial truck at your own expense.
• Some international travel is required for this position. Please make sure you have substantial miles in your mileage account or can pay your own way.
• Ability to handle daily mail and answer phones. You will occasionally be expected to fill in for the receptionist during her lunch hour.
• Bachelor degrees in communication, new media AND political science required. Masters Degree in Filmmaking preferred. PH.D in Journalism, a plus. Candidates with a law degree will be given special consideration.
• Ideal candidate MUST be fluent in Spanish and have a working knowledge of Arabic and Mandarin Chinese.
• If you do not meet these requirements your resume will NOT be considered.
This position has tremendous growth opportunity. May lead to full-time employment with possible entry-level pay or occasional freelance work.
Sorry, we do not offer health benefits to ANY of our employees under ANY circumstances.
This position requires someone who is completely dedicated. We are NOT looking for college students or people who are currently in a career “transition.”
This is a great opportunity to gain more experience. Only experienced candidates should apply.
We have received thousands of applications for this position. Due to the overwhelming interest we CANNOT guarantee a response to your inquiry.
We apologize in advance.
courtesy of Timothy MsSweeney’s Internet Concern.